Twitchy man tackles task

I’m kinda groggy and sleepy this morning and I’m wondering, “Did I really agree to that?” And the answer is yes, I did, and I should probably explain.

I don’t remember the last time I did something that was difficult. It was probably years ago when I wrote a novel. I challenged myself to write one just to see if I could. As it turns out, I can. I didn’t want to set my sights too high though so the challenge was simply to write one – get a big pile of paper with at least 60,000 words that had at least some sort of coherent narrative flow.

I probably should have made the challenge a bit more specific and said “write a good novel,” since the result of it all was a piece of crap. But it was a novel! And I wrote it!

The $1,000 challenge

It’s more than time to accomplish something else. If only to convince myself I’ve not turned into some kind of human slug that is simply existing on the planet for no reason other than to exist.

So last night I made an agreement with my friend Liz, who was feeling merry at her sister’s place in New York, her sister Michael-Ann who was three sheets to the wind at the time of the call. I think it must have been about three in the morning there when we spoke.

This little challenge came up over Christmas when Liz and I spoke about it but didn’t follow up. Last night, we did.

And the challenge?

It’s a bet, actually. If I don’t smoke for six months, Liz gives me a grand. If I do smoke, I pay her a grand.

Why would I agree to such a thing? I really do want to quit. I’ve tried many times before. This time, quite apart from the health consequences, I want failure to have a bite to it. A $1,000 bite.

You may wonder why I smoke at all and I wonder that myself – often. I think it’s a combination of the addiction and the fact I really do like it. If you don’t smoke, or never have, that second reason may be incomprehensible. But it’s a reality – I really, really do like smoking.

I’m also one of those people who is … uh, twitchy? I can’t sit still. When I do, one of my legs is usually going up and down like a jackrabbit’s thumping hindquarters. At work, I can’t sit at my desk for more than 20 minutes before I’m up and walking over to someone else’s desk to ask them something. Yes, I could call them, e-mail or IM … but if I did, I wouldn’t have an excuse to get up and move around.

Smoking is a part of that twitchiness. It gives me something to do. I also drink all day long. No, not booze … I mean I really am constantly sipping on something. You can usually tell what time of day it is by what I’m drinking. Coffee? Must be morning. Water? Must be midday. Tea? Looks like it’s late afternoon. Beer? Ah, it’s early evening. Wine? Dinnertime! Tea? Hmm … not late afternoon – must be late in the evening!

I rarely guzzle, by the way. I sip. Well, except for water. I’ll guzzle that some times.

Anyway … One of the biggest problems I’ve had with trying to stop smoking in the past is the twitchiness. I think it’s got something to do with my metabolism. I remember once asking a doctor how I could gain weight and he just laughed at me and said, “You couldn’t gain weight if you tried! You just burn everything up.”

So … that $1,000 is done simply to increase the reasons for stopping. Not that there aren’t a lot of damn good reasons already. But maybe something as banal as a fairly hefty financial consequence will help me over the wall.

And I really do want to accomplish something that is very, very difficult. It’s more than time.

(You know, maybe I should write a book … “The Twitchy Way to a New Slender You.” There might be money in that.)

Tag: New Year, 2006, Smoking, Stop Smoking, How to become an idiot