Dignity is an illusion

First of all, I have no wish to make light of cancer. My father had it, he died from it. There’s nothing remotely funny about that. However, how we feel about it sometimes is …

At least if you’re me. It affects so many people, in various ways, it is the great horror of our times. Because anyone can get it, and in any number of manifestations. And because we fear it, we are sometimes - well, let’s just get on with it ...

One day there was something wrong with my ass. It was remarkably itchy. But what can you do? Be a complete boor and scratch? Sure, that would look great at the office, or while clinging to the grip as you stand on the bus, or as you stroll down the street or wait to be seated at a restaurant.

You can’t just scratch your ass. At best, you can back bump into things and make a slight wiggle, then act as if nothing happened and hope no one noticed.

What can you do about an itchy ass?

Run home. I’ll let you guess the rest.

But my itchy ass continued. And then, of course, nature eventually had its way and the demands of the body had to be met and so I retired to the bathroom, let my pants fall to my ankles and took my seat to attend to things.

Holy lightning!

I would have shit if I hadn’t already been doing that! It was like a damn porcupine was being yanked out of my ass! What the hell is that?

Well, I finally got my bearings and meekly took some paper from the roll to … well, wipe my ass. (I don’t know how else to say it.) And I did, and I discovered the source of my discomfort. I had no idea what it was though. There was something there that should not be – but what? What?

I immediately assumed I had some variation of anal cancer. “Why me?” I cried. “Why there?”

But I ain’t no dummy. I immediately went to the doctor. (Okay – not so immediate. I think I read three novels as I sat in the waiting room.)

Let’s cut to the chase … I was examined. “Is it cancer, doc? Is it? Don’t sugarcoat it - I can take it!”

Years of medical training came into play. The reason for my ailment was clear. No, not cancer.

Relief! Recitation of psalms! Tears of joy!

So what was it?

Hemorrhoids! Fucking hemorrhoids!

Who the hell gets hemorrhoids? Old men – right? How the hell did I get them? I’m not sure I ever found out. But believe me, if you ever get them you’ll damn sure know.

And on the subject of dignity … one day I’ll post about the day I spent wandering through the University of Alberta Hospital trying to find someone to please take my shit sample.

Tag: Hemorrhoids, Dignity, How to become an idiot